Caption: Today I pulled The Crow card (the Law of Truth) upside down and knew it was time to share my truth. I’m still figuring it out, but I know my story may help someone else. That is the purpose of days like this.
There is a truth I have shared with family and close friends over time, but made excuses as to why it shouldn’t be part of my bio. You see on National Coming Out Day, there are pretty clear stripes in the rainbow flag. And like usual, I don’t fit the norm.
Growing up I was a tomboy. I liked being outside with the trees, in the trees, my first Loves. But I also liked being clean and dressing up ceremonially. Being the Flower Girl at weddings was my jam. Creating the anticipation for the bride, laying out her path with flower petals, a shamanistic setting of the tone.
However things got messy complicated after I was violated at such a tender age. I lost my boundaries. And since it was the 70s and everyone seemed to be fucking everything, Love seemed very nebulous.
As I got older and expectations were set on me I tried very much to gain approval through relationships with boys, even though I was in huge secret crushes with my best friends.
As I began exploring sexuality with boys, I discovered power. I had a power over them. For a broken, abused, bullied, tiny little girl with an absent workaholic father this was fascinating. With the blooming of my bosom, I was gaining attention from men, oblivious that I was being manipulated and exploited.
There was a moment after I lost my dad that I had clarity and honesty. I tried coming out, but my family wasn’t having it. And family being everything to me, and also being on my own because I had left home at 16, out of need for protection from the beatings, I found sex was my commodity for survival.
Becoming pregnant at 17 by a man twice my age that had exploited me since I was 14, exploring my sexuality flew out the window as I found myself alone and scared of being a single teen mom with little education or support system. Though there was a woman that wanted me to run away with her and have my baby grow up in a circle of women. I often wonder… I’m still seeking that sister tribe.
(Con’t in comments)
